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(This musical sprang into my head, and this is the most famous number…  Although I really am shy.)

So when I turned 30, my back decided to be lame.  Seriously: right after my 30th birthday, I began to experience chronic, but low-level, back pain.  Just enough to remind me that something’s not 100% but not enough to really complain most of the time…

Except that I also began to notice that I felt especially creaky when I got out of bed in the morning.  Our mattress (which was about 7 years old at that point) might not be the culprit, but was complicit.

That was also about the time of my employment instability, so while I wanted an awesome new mattress, I also wanted to pay the mortgage and buy groceries.  So a few more years slipped by before I finally yielded and bought a new mattress.

But I made a HUGE mistake and bought a cheap mattress.  So while the first few months were fan-freakin’-tastic, the mattress started to get soggy pretty quickly.

So, fast forward about a year later: I’m now newly fiscally responsible but I want a shiny new mattress.  While I absolutely advocate buying or trading for a lot of things second-hand (i.e., our dining table, our dining chairs, some office furniture, some kitchen tools, quite a lot of our books), I draw the line at soft furnishings.  (Well, I draw the line at buying soft furnishings.  I have no problems selling ours on Craigslist.)

The child in me just wants to slap down a credit card and hope we pay it off sooner rather than later.

The newly fiscally responsible adult in me says to save for it and buy it with cash.

My back is wondering if the couch is more comfortable.

So I’ve spent the day on business development (as well as blogging) to try to speed up the cash flow so that I can get my new mattress soon!

Anyone remember this song?

I’ve worked, on and off, for years on figuring out what I want to do when I grow up.  Law school seemed like a good idea: I had okay grades, a fabulous test score, and the support of some wonderful professors.  But I wonder if it delayed the inevitable: I frequently alternate between thinking the law is a good fit for me and thinking that there’s a better fit for my interests and talents.

But if there is something “better,” I still have no idea what it is.  I’ve read oodles of career books, worked with a career coach, considered all sorts of alternatives, all for naught.

I love food.  I love to eat, I obsess over foodie culture, I obsess over what to eat.

But I hate grocery planning and shopping.  Which we’re in the middle of doing right now (which is why I’m blogging instead).  It really isn’t that hard and we’ve got some basic rules we try to follow:

• We almost always buy a whole chicken which then gets used over three meals.
• We try to have fish/seafood at least once (preferably twice) a week.
• We try to have a veggie meal at least once a week.
• Lunch is usually sandwiches and fruit.
• Breakfast is oatmeal for him, soy smoothies for me.
• Snacks are limited to raw nuts or yogurt or fruit (or some combination thereof).

So why is menu planning still so freakin’ hard?  We’re currently stuck on what to have for lunch today: nothing is appealing to either of us.  (In our defense, we did just eat our mid-morning snack of yogurt and fruit.)  So we’re heading out with our list mostly complete and we’ll probably wind up splurging on an impulse buy for lunch… which is exactly what we try to avoid by creating grocery lists and menu planning…  argh.

Wow, it’s been about 2.5 years since I blogged here.  Since then, changes in my personal life include:

• A few jobs (one I hated and wisely did not blog about)
• Selling the condo
• Moving into our apartment
• Starting a business
• Resuming travel (this time with a focus on my own country)
• Reconnecting with my dad and aunt

Changes in the world around me include:

• Emergence of the Tea Party craziness
• Arab Spring
• Adieu Steve Jobs
• A new Chicago mayor

And somethings just don’t change:

• Chris and I are going strong
• The cat is still the cutest cat in the world
• My friends and family continue to astonish me with their inherent awesomeness
• I still dream…

I find myself wanting to capture thoughts that aren’t necessarily appropriate for Facebook.  The privacy settings here are nil, though, so the paranoid in me is going to continue to edit myself here, but I’m curious to see if/how this develops this time…

So under-employment (I have been working sporadically) continues.  In the past 8 months, I’ve had about 10 interviews, some of which went very well and some of which were border-line disaster and NONE of which lead to a job offer.  So what have I learned in this process?

1.  I’ve got too much experience.  For one gig, the interviews went ASTONISHINGLY well.  I even keep in touch with one of the partners that I met.  But in the end, they decided to go for a junior associate (with 3 months of experience) instead of a mid-level associate.

2.  I don’t have enough experience.  My most recent interview, last week, also went pretty well.  We hit it off, I got a good vibe, and had my fingers crossed all weekend.  Monday, I get a call saying that they went with someone with more experience.  Bugger.

3.  I’m too aggressive.  That was a feedback comment I got last week, from a New Yorker, after I interviewed for a teaching position.  I can only laugh…

4.  I’m not aggressive enough?  This is surmise based upon one interview that went really, really well and then… radio silence.  After following up with calls and emails for over a month, I finally just gave up on hearing back from them.

I keep reminding myself that something will pan out, that something will turn up, that I’m on the verge of something great.  It’s just getting harder and harder to believe…

I’m watching Divine Design.  I wish I could find a Candice Olsen clone in Chicago (although I did read a rumor that her first sewer, Edmund, moved here last year).  Since I’m almost finished with the bedrooms, I’m now free to dream about the kitchen.  In the past 4 years, the only thing we’ve done to the kitchen was paint it.  While that did help make it much more attractive, that did nothing to enhance its functionality.  At this point, I’ve got a few ideas on what I do and don’t want…  and I figure this space is as good as any to jot down a few ideas for the future.  Keeping in mind that I’m not interested in a drastic change (and the drastic costs associated with such changes), I think I want:

• almost anything but stainless steel appliances (so normal nowadays)…  I’m still quite taken with Jenn Aire’s floating glass black appliances.
• almost anything but granite countertops (again, too common, but more importantly, the stuff is too hard on our place settings!).  I keep changing my mind between cladding the current countertops with copper (a lovely, cost-effective trick we encountered in Arizona) and butcher block countertops.
• I do like having an undermount sink.
• I’d *love* to have a counter-depth, French door fridge.
• I’m also lusting after a Bosch dishwasher.
• While I’m at it, a gas range w/ continuous grates would be a lovely upgrade.  Oh, and an attractive range hood (instead of a microwave).
• One thought that keeps popping in my head: demo the pantry and laundry closets, extend our countertops along that wall to create a u-shaped kitchen, and fit in the laundry appliances underneath the new countertops.
• pull out drawers in lieu of our standard lower cabinets, self-closing of course!
• We need room for cookbooks!  Also a sensible spot for our laptops, for those instances when we cook based off a recipe online.
• a spot for recycling and composting would be lovely.
• oh, and room for a large (100+ bottle) wine fridge would be ideal.

Yeah, it’s a dream list.  Pretty much like my last couple of posts.  But if I stopped dreaming, what would I do with myself?

Yes, yes, yes: first I need to be re-employed.

Still, this never-ending winter makes me fantasize about locations that I would never, EVER seriously consider when the weather is decent.  Florida, the Caribbean, Canary Islands, Southern California…  all sound gloriously warm  and appealing right now.

Of course, the obvious question: if I was someplace warm and sunny right now, what would I do?  I don’t like the heat THAT much, so how much time would I actually spend outside?  I’d hang out for maybe an afternoon, then get very bored.

If this winter doesn’t freakin’ end soon though, a weekend in a warm locale might be in the cards — screw unemployment!

When I was 15 or 16, I made a wishlist of the qualities I wanted in a partner.  (Precocious, I know.)  Lo and behold, 3 or 4 years later, I found him.  Seriously.  Chris hit every check box.  Plus we’ve always had that… je ne sais quoi.  Magic.  Chemistry.  Spark.  Whatever you want to call it.  We never were in that “friend zone.”  There was just no point.

So now, I thought I’d write a list of everything I want a home.  Maybe seeing it in black and white will knock some sense in me and make me appreciate what’s underneath my very nose!

If I was starting from scratch on a home search, what would I want?  (And what do I know Chris would require?)  And how does our current reality stack up to the wish list?

• Location, location, location.  Chicago (of course), established neighborhood (with shops, restaurants and park space), within half mile away from the L, express buses would be nice…

Dear god, it’s hard to think of a more perfect location.  4 miles from the Loop, a stone’s throw from the lake, great public trans access, plenty of iGo cars within walking distance, kickass restaurants and local shops, RIDICULOUSLY good access to mulitple grocery stores, a library less than a quarter-mile away.  Heck, our Walk Score is 100!  About the only thing that’s missing is a cute little bakery.

• Building type: condo or townhouse.

Much as I daydream about a single family home, the reality is that neither one of us is interested in house maintenance.  I like the idea of a yard (gardening space!), but exterior maintenance does not appeal to either one of us.  So the fact that we have a condo is A-OK.

• Master bedroom with ensuite bathroom.

So not a problem now.  I just repainted our ensuite bathroom.

• A music room for Chris.

Check.  His room is pretty well located too – none of our neighbors can hear him and I can barely hear him in most of the house.

• A great room: room for books, A/V system, comfy furniture…

We’ve got one, but it’s a bit snug.  More like a “good room.”  Our dining space is TINY and I don’t think it’s particularly comfortable.

• Room for guests.

I’m working on that right now, creating a guest room/library/office/stitching room with an outdoor patio.  I’m hoping that we’ll actually use that freakin’ patio this summer if we use the adjoining room for “public” purposes.

• Room for “me” space: something girly, room for crafts, office, tea kettle.

See above.  The room isn’t going to be too girly, but there’s definitely going to be pretty touches.  Need to nab an electric kettle though.

• A “real” kitchen.  Decently sized, preferably with sunny outdoor space just off the kitchen for easy access to my kitchen garden.  A granite-free zone.

Nope.  Our kitchen is tiny, with limited counter space made of granite.  No direct access to an outdoor space.  The kitchen window faces north, so I can’t even grow herbs on the window sill.

• Speaking of which, outdoor space.  Big enough for Chris’ grill, table & chairs, a veggie/herb garden and a flower garden.  Oh, and a composter.

Check… sorta.  We’ve got two outdoor spaces, so there’s enough room for Chris’ grill, a table and couple of chairs and I’ve had good luck growing herbs over the past few years.  But all this is squished onto our not-sunny-enough-for-my-taste balcony, while our patio languishes from neglect.  It’s dark, inconveniently located, and just feels dirty.  My goal this year: create an attractive space on our patio so that we actually use it!  And I’m trying to figure out how to best compost in our space.  And I’m adding veggies to the mix this year.

• In unit laundry.  Preferably with room for side-by-side units.

We’ve got stacked laundry units in the kitchen.  With some demo work (and the elimination of the pantry) we would have room for side-by-side, but that’s not happening any time soon.

• Central air w/ A/C

Check.  Chris wouldn’t have bought a place without central air.  I do think the energy efficiency of our system is quite suspect and I’d prefer radiant heating downstairs, but it’ll do until we get around to rehauling the system (4-5 years from now?).

• At least 1.1 bathrooms, preferably 2.1 bathrooms.  I’d love a spacious master bathroom with a large shower, dual sinks, water efficient fixtures.  ZERO jacuzzi tubs — such a pain to clean — but a soaking tub would be lovely.  Clawfooted and cast iron (so that it hold in heat) would be ideal.

Three full bathrooms… which means one extra tub to clean.  And that extra tub is a jacuzzi tub.  And none of those tubs are soaking/clawfooted/cast iron.  No water efficient features except for low-flow showerheads.  All three bathrooms are super tiny.  Layout is less than ideal because the only bathroom on the living area is our master bathroom, which means guests need to trek downstairs for one of the guest baths.  Still, I’d prefer to have too many bathrooms than not enough.  I wouldn’t like to go back to one bathroom.

• Parking (since we capitulated and bought a freakin’ car in January), attached but in the alley (I HATE garages that face the street)

We bought our place thinking we wouldn’t buy another car and therefore didn’t plunk down for a parking space.  Fortunately, I don’t drive the car so I don’t deal with parking, so I’m not heartbroken over the lack of this feature.  Chris has been having fantastic parking luck (*knock on wood*), so he’s not too heartbroken either.

• CHARACTER.  Vintage charm.  That “Oh My God” reaction.  A historical landmark would be ideal.

Our place is cute.  A courtyard, brick building with exposed brick and hardwood floors.  We’ve painted it with wonderful, dramatic colors.  But I think it’s a bit of a “yawn” — it just doesn’t make my heart stop.  It’s not completely blah — it’s not a vanilia box — but there’s nothing really vintage-ish about it, nothing really special. There’s no grace, no elegance, no va-va-voom.  This deficiency is easily the biggest reason why I’m not happy and why Chris is.

• Fireplace.  Woodburning w/ gas start.

After months of arguing, I finally agreed to rip out our fireplace.  It was over-sized for our tiny living room and NOT woodburning (or as Chris would say, not “real”).  There’s no hope for a “real” fireplace here.

• Multi-story.  It’s probably the last vestige of suburban upbringing left in me, but stairs make a condo feel more “house” like.  That and we have a fat cat that needs to get as much exercise as possible.

Check.  Our first condo was two-stories, then we rented an apartment for a little while that was single-story… I missed the multi-story aspect.  One of the major attractions of our current place is the fact that it’s two-stories as well.

In the end, this little exercise didn’t do much but confirm why I’m not in love with our current place, why it’s perfect for Chris.  Furthermore, part of what would make a place perfect for me is that Chris is happy and given the geographical limitations… I have a feeling that what I want doesn’t exist.

So I’m spending this extra time redecorating our place, rearranging furniture, and making the best of a cute place…

I’m surprised by how often my thoughts on marriage has lead me to blog, considering how infrequently I blog.  Generally speaking, I’m a big believer in choice.  I love what’s happening in Vermont, Iowa, New Hampshire, DC.  I believe that marriage, civil unions, and covenant marriages should be available to those who want them.  If you can find a minister/rabbi/priest/justice/etc. who’s willing to unite you in whatever belief system you like, more power to you.

Now, I recognize that I’m incredibly lucky to have found the right person so early in life.  I’m lucky that that person was of the opposite sex such that our relationship has been recognized by law for over nine years.  Nevertheless, I feel shoehorned into the institution of marriage.  It’s the closest thing available to us right now that affords us the multitude of protections on both the state and federal level.  I’m intrigued that Illinois House Bill 2234 would give us the opportunity to divorce and civilly unite… except that we’d be voluntarily stripping ourselves of a myriad of federal protections.  (And since I’m not on good terms with his mother and he’s not on good terms with mine, there’s no way that I’m risking my position as his #1 go-to person in terms of access during a medical emergency or decision making power and I’m not risking his position as such either.)  I resent that our relationship must be defined, under federal law, under such terms.

I don’t think that “marriage for all” is the right answer if that’s the exclusive answer.  I’ve never been comfortable MARRIED to Chris.  There’s all sorts of religious and social baggage associated with the institution that I’d personally rather not support.  But it’s all we’ve got right now.  And even if Illinois does pass the Civil Union bill, while I think we’d be tempted to go for it, I don’t think we would.  Because under the current state of the law, CUs are second-class unions.  There’s just no way around that.

The day we can better define our union, without risking the rights we currently enjoy, will be a day to celebrate.  In the meantime, today (and last Friday) are milestones towards true equality — and that’s nothing to sneeze at either.

Shoulda blogged yesterday.  Yes, I’m thrilled it’s official.  Yes, I’m thrilled that I actually have a connection to the guy.  No, it’s not that strong of one.  But it’s enough of a connection to know that we, as a nation, are truly blessed.

Despite it all, however, all I feel now is trepidation.  Better than shame, embarassment, or dread though.